As a mom of three myself, I’ll give you a few tips on what to say to a new mom (and also what not to say).
Whether you are looking for motivation for new moms, encouraging words for a new mom, or even what to say to a new mom in a card, I’ve got you.
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What to Say to a New Mom
You did it & you're amazing
If you’re wondering what to say to a mom who just gave birth, simply acknowledge the fact that she just did something amazing and hard is the best place to start. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a c-section or vaginal delivery, medicated or unmedicated, birth is HARD. Every mom deserves a standing ovation after what it takes to bring a child into this world.
But most times people get so focused on the baby that they forget about the mom altogether. So, for a moment focus just on her and remind her how strong and amazing she is. Maybe even see if she’d like to share her birth story. Some moms may not want to but others will be touched and excited to share it with you.
It’s not hard because you’re doing it wrong. It’s just hard.
When a newborn is screaming all night or a toddler is throwing a tantrum, it’s hard to not constantly second guess yourself. Motherhood is beautiful but it has hard moments and hard seasons as well. So, make sure to remind them that it’s hard by nature and not necessarily because they are doing anything wrong. And also remind them that hard isn’t always bad. There can still be joy in the hard seasons.
Can I bring you a coffee on (insert day of the week)?
When people offer help to a postpartum mom they often offer it in a very generalized phrase like, “let me know if you need anything.” But, the fact of the matter is that most moms will never ask for help and may not even know what it is that they need. So, instead of asking their tired brain to analyze and decide what they need most, offer up something specific on a specific day.
That might be folding laundry, cleaning the bathroom, or doing dishes if you know them well enough to offer these things. But if you need a safe bet, coffee is usually a highly consumed and well loved beverage of tired moms. So, offer to bring them coffee on a certain day. You might just make their day.
How are you feeling?
In all the excitement of a new baby, the new mom often gets forgotten. But, she is going through massive transitions in her life both physically and emotionally. And while, “how are you doing?” might seem like the same question, it’s actually a whole lot easier to brush off with, “fine.”
Instead, ask them how they feel physically and/or emotionally. Ask how their recovery is going. Ask how the transition is going. Ask how they feel about this new chapter. Not many will and she will definitely appreciate it.
Don’t let the urgent get in the way of what’s important
When I was trying to think of what to say to new parents, I could hear my dad saying this phrase in my head, “Don’t let the urgent get in the way of what’s important.” This is a saying my dad has said to me many times and one that has helped me tremendously as a mom. There are so many responsibilities swirling around in your head and so many things begging for your attention as a mom. But, babies grow up fast and those first few months are even faster than any other stage.
So, don’t forget to remind her to enjoy the sweet moments with her baby and husband even when the laundry pile gets high.
Babies don’t have a timeline
Babies don’t care about your timeline. In fact, I think babies are our reminder to slow down and enjoy the view. Life doesn’t have to be a rush.
And in a similar way, our babies don’t care about all the timelines online about when they will hit certain milestones. So, you shouldn’t either. Every baby is different. Even if you do the same exact thing with each of your kids, they will hit milestones at different points. (and that’s okay). My son rolled over around three months old, while my daughter struggled up until she was almost six months old. But they both are now healthy, happy, toddlers that won’t stop wrestling with each other.
It’s okay to set them down somewhere safe and walk away for a minute
When a baby is crying uncontrollably and you can’t figure out why, it’s natural to get a little bit angry. Even when you logically know that a baby communicates by crying, it still gets to you after a while.
Every mom needs to know that they aren’t crazy for feeling this way. But, every mom also needs to learn their boundaries, when to walk away so that their anger doesn’t get the best of them.
If no one is there, moms need to know it’s okay to set the baby down in a safe place and take a moment. In fact, it’s the best thing to do sometimes. And if you live nearby, maybe offer to be on call if they ever hit this place and just need a second. I would have loved having that as a first time mom.
The bond may not be immediate
Don’t ask a new mom if she was flooded with joy when the baby was put on her chest or honestly even ask how she felt at that moment. If she wants to tell you, she will. But, for some moms, the bond takes time. It did for me. While I knew that I’d die for him in that moment, I didn’t feel the bond I thought I would.
It took feeding my baby, cuddling with him, and sharing long hours at night together before I felt that bond. But, all the questions people asked about the immediate bond at birth made me feel insanely broken. So, I recommend letting new moms bring up this moment if they want to talk about it.
Take more pictures with you in them
While I definitely didn’t want pictures taken with me in them when I was newly postpartum, I am so grateful that people close to me took some. I have such joy looking back on those couple photos I have with each of my babies. So, remind them it’s not about capturing an instagram worthy photo, it’s about capturing the love they feel in that moment and getting to enjoy that photo later on.
I’m bringing you lunch, can I leave it on your porch?
You should always assume a postpartum mom needs help with meals and never assume that they want company. If she wants you to stay for lunch, she will let you know. But simply bringing her a meal and leaving it at her door will mean the world. It’s help with no stress to clean up for company.
You’re allowed to say no to things
Women often feel a pressure to “bounce back” after pregnancy and get back to everything they were doing before they got pregnant. But pregnancy and birth takes its toll both physically and emotionally and it’s okay to not “bounce back.” Let her know it’s okay to just enjoy some time with her new baby and new little family. There’s no pressure to go back to life as it was cause life is different and a whole lot sweeter now.
They still think they are a part of you for a few weeks
When I was postpartum with my third baby, he wanted held 24/7 and one day it hit me that he still was getting used to the fact that he was no longer a part of me. He was going through a massive transition too and that let me be a whole lot more patient when he wanted me every moment of every day those first few weeks.
Don’t overthink wake windows or sleep training
First time moms overthink everything, including sleep. But newborns just sleep a lot and all babies will develop different schedules as they get older. Every one of my kids was different. So, don’t stress her about how and when the baby is sleeping. Instead, just remind her how completely normal it is for their schedule to be a little all over the place at first.
Just stay off the internet…period
If you’re wondering what to say to a new mother, simply tell her to stay off the internet and social media for a while. There is truly no good that comes from the internet when you’re postpartum.
Whether it’s worrying and researching why newborns make noises like old men when they sleep or comparing and crying over everything on Instagram, the internet just isn’t helpful in the postpartum season. Remind new moms to not let comparison steal their joy.
Are you still up for a visit today?
If you already have plans with a new mom, check in before heading over and ask if they are still feeling up for a visit. Remind them that being friends means being able to cancel last minute when they need to. Make sure there is no pressure on them to keep plans because every day is different postpartum. Some nights are longer than others and some days more painful than others. Being able to cancel if the night or day wasn’t what they expected is a huge stress relief postpartum.
Give breastfeeding a few weeks
My first two babies were VERY hard to breastfeed at first and I just about gave up within the first week with both. But, things can change very quickly with breastfeeding. Within a week or so of birth, breastfeeding my babies became like second nature. In fact, I breastfed them both for a full year and mourned the end when it was over.
So, encourage them to not give up and tell them about your breastfeeding journey if you have one. It may just encourage them enough to stick it out. While there are a few people that breastfeeding won’t work out for, a lot of times it can become something beautiful if you give it a few weeks.
Buy the noise canceling head phones
Since crying is how babies communicate, some days get a little loud. I had a day just like this recently. My baby was gassy and struggling but the crying in my ear while I burped him was genuinely hurting my ears. So I decided to pop in my wireless headphones to block some sound and I recommend every new mom gets some. Slightly dampening the sound can take the edge off just enough to extend your patience. Plus, a baby is a solid reason to get some nice new headphones. So, give her a reason to treat herself.
If you’re offered help, take it
Many new moms struggle to accept help (myself included) and feel like they need to be able to handle it all. But, when people offer help to a new mom, they very much want to help. In fact, many of those people have been in the same shoes before.
Get in some cuddles while I (insert house chore)
Most people show up to “help” a new mom and simply end up holding the baby while the new mom either hangs out or catches up on her house duties. But what new moms really want is for the dishes to magically be done and their laundry to get folded so they can enjoy baby cuddles in a clean house. So, if you know a new mom well enough for her to be comfortable with it, offer to help with the house. It’s what they really need (and want). Let her enjoy the cuddles while you do the dishes.
What Not to Say to a New mOM
Unsolicited Advice
Parenting is hard enough without everyone trying to tell you how to parent. So, don’t offer advice on literally anything unless you’re asking. She doesn’t need your advice. She needs your encouragement and support (and maybe your company too).
Generalized Offers to Help
I personally found the generalized offers for help such as, “let me know if you need anything,” very annoying. It felt disingenuous and it left me in an awkward position where I had to search out that person if I needed something. (which I never did and most moms probably wont)
So try a very specific approach instead. Bring a freezer meal or two, start a meal train, offer to come help with the house a certain day of the week, or ask to drop off lunch or coffee on a specific day. Make sure your offer is an easy, “yes that’d be great.”
Anything About a “Bounce Back”
The pressure to bounce back is in every mom’s head and using the phrase is never a good thing with a new mom. You are either telling them they haven’t bounced back (which you definitely should not do) or you are telling them how quickly they bounced back and that adds a lot of pressure.
I know my postpartum with my third, I had people telling me how well I bounced back which made me feel broken when hard days would come. I felt pressure to be okay because that’s what people expected of me.
So, there truly isn’t any good reason to use it. It will end badly for her mental health no matter what you do.
This post was all about what to say to a new mom. So, now you can encourage her with confidence, whether it be in a card or in person.
-Beautifully Busy Mom
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Meet the Author
Hi, I’m Monica! I’m a former teacher turned stay at home mom of three! I started this blog after feeling very lonely at the beginning of my motherhood journey. My goal is that no other moms would feel the way that I felt. So, this blog is filled with free resources, fun activities, and answers to the not so easy questions. That way, you can enjoy the beautiful chaos that is motherhood. Let’s be friends 🙂
